首发：~2
mulan sat behind xiu, absent-mindedly brushing her sister’s long black hair in front of her, the younger girl was quiet, lost in her thoughts mulan didn’t mind the silence her own brain was loud and busy enough all she could see was her father’s look of disappointment it haunted her like a nightmare she couldn’t wake from, making her feel shaky and unfortable the last thing she would ever want to do was hurt her father but she hadn’t had a choice or at least, that was what she kept telling herself there was no way her father could have given chase, not with his weak leg while her father may have been a hero in the war, his injury kept him from working as hard as he would like to in the village mulan had simply wanted to help
and somehow, she seemed to have done just the opposite
“mulan”
xiu’s quiet voice interrupted mulan’s dark thoughts her hand stopped, the brush hovering over xiu’s hair as she waited to hear what her sister wanted to say
“what happened when you fell off the roof” xiu asked
mulan didn’t need to question what xiu meant she had felt something odd as she fell through the air like somehow her mind had seen a step ahead and her body had known the moves it needed to make before she was even aware herself but she wasn’t about to admit her thoughts out loud—especially to her younger sister “i was chasing that naughty chicken,” she said instead as she resumed bing xiu’s hair
beneath the b, xiu shook her head “no,” she pressed “when you slipped for a moment it was like you were a bird” the younger girl’s voice trailed off
mulan frowned, surprised by her sister’s astute observation xiu was right she had felt like a bird as she had swooped and swung around that beam, she hadn’t felt scared she had felt alive more alive than she had ever felt before she had been like a bird soaring through the sky, playing on the wind not a clumsy chicken but a graceful bird of prey
but how was that even possible she hadn’t dared think about it until this very moment, but she knew that she had narrowly escaped getting hurt—or worse somehow, whatever that feeling inside her was, it had managed to save her which sounded strange which meant there was no way she was going to say it aloud to her sister, because xiu would definitely think it was strange so instead, mulan changed the subject
“xiu,” she said, her hand growing still “don’t panic but there’s a spider crawling in your hair”
xiu’s shoulders crept up toward her ears and she turned to look at mulan, worry creasing her innocent face “you know i’m afraid of spiders,” she said, her lower lip beginning to tremble then her eyes narrowed “this isn’t one of your tricks, is it, mulan”
mulan tried not to smile “don’t move,” she said “if you hold very still, i will squash it” her voice trailed off as, from the room below, she heard her mother’s voice rise
“you indulge her,” li said, her loud voice carrying from the living room mulan and xiu paused to listen closing her eyes, mulan held her breath she could picture her mother and father going through their nightly routine: her mother tidying up while her father slowly unlaced the binding on his leg only on this particular night, they were not going about it as quietly as they usually did
“there’s no harm in herding chickens,” zhou retorted
mulan heard the soft, even footsteps of her mother as the woman moved closer to her husband “you know i’m not talking about chickens,” she went on “i’m talking about her her bold spirit we can’t encourage it”
“mulan is young,” zhou countered “she’s still learning to control herself”
up in her room, mulan bristled she knew her father meant well, but he was talking about her as if she were an untamed filly, not his daughter she shifted on her seat, wishing she could stop the conversation while at the same time curious to see where it would go she didn’t have to wait long
“you make excuses for her!” li said, her voice laced with frustration “you forget mulan is a daughter, not a son a daughter brings honor through marriage”
“any man would be fortunate to marry our mulan,” zhou said
hearing the certainty in her father’s voice, mulan bit her lip she wanted to be the girl he believed her to be maybe chasing that chicken had been a little bit reckless and maybe she should have listened to her father when he told her to stop but did her silly actions now really stand to ruin her marriage options in the future
as if hearing her daughter’s thoughts, li continued, “xiu gives me no trouble the matchmaker will find a good husband for her” mulan didn’t have to be in the room to imagine the frown on her mother’s face or the way she nervously rubbed her temple when she spoke again, her voice sounded sad, anguished “it is mulan i worry about always mulan” there was another pause, and then she continued, her voice almost impossible to hear: “i just don’t know where she fits in this world”
the room below grew silent
mulan felt her sister’s eyes on her but she refused to lift her head instead, she stared down at the b in her lap, rubbing anxiously at the bristles her mother’s voice echoed in her head was her mother right was there no place for her in the world she slowly let out a shaky breath she had never felt like she truly belonged among the other girls of the village, always the first one to end up in a mud puddle or rip the hem of her shirt she had always felt more fortable beside her father in the field than with her mother by the stove yet she had never thought that was wrong until now
“she doesn’t mean it,” xiu said
mulan stayed silent she wasn’t ready to speak but her sister was nothing if not determined “tell me about the spider,” she pressed
“there is no spider,” mulan mumbled she wasn’t in the mood for a game
“how many legs does it have” xiu went on, ignoring her sister’s grumbles and frown
mulan sighed “you know spiders have eight legs,” she answered, unable to stop herself
“it’s not black, is it” xiu said, pretending to look frightened, as if a real spider were there and crawling toward her she waited to see what mulan would do, or say, next
mulan looked at her sister xiu’s face was still innocent and full of hope, and while mulan wanted nothing more than to wallow in her own self-pity for a few more moments, she had never been able to say no to xiu she was powerless against her sister’s huge heart and so she slowly began to nod “yes, it is black with red spots,” she said, warming to the idea as she continued “and i’m sorry to say that it’s unusually hairy and it’s crawling toward your neck right now!” she reached out her fingers and ran them up and down xiu’s neck
in response, xiu shrieked as mulan’s frown faded pletely, she allowed herself a smile her mother might not be sure where she fit in the larger world, but right now, mulan cared more about making her sister laugh and enjoying the moment
there would be plenty of time to worry about her future—later
unfortunately, later didn’t prove to be later enough waking from a terrible nightmare in which she was running from a human-sized chicken, mulan sat up in her bed, her heart pounding outside, beams of moonlight illuminated the night mulan got up and walked to the window and looked out into the courtyard below
in the center, the ancestral shrine stood glowing in white beams of light a few candles burned weakly, just enough to throw shadows over the phoenix statue—and its missing wing
<i>
maybe,
</i>
mulan thought,
<i>
i could fix everything if i fixed the phoenix
</i>
tiptoeing out of her room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, she reached into the cupboard and pulled out a big bowl and grinding stone moving to the table, she set them down before filling the bowl with the leftover sticky rice from their evening meal as quietly as she could, she began to grind the rice the large grains quickly turned to mush, and soon it had bee a thick, sticky paste satisfied, mulan picked up the bowl and moved outside
as she left the house, a cloud drifted across the moon, casting the courtyard and shrine into sudden darkness for a moment, mulan stopped perhaps she should just let things be; maybe she had done enough damage as it was but then the cloud moved, and once more the shrine grew bright the phoenix, always frozen as if about to rise from the ashes, looked hobbled with only one wing mulan nodded to herself she would fix what she had broken
walking inside the shrine, mulan kneeled on the ground then she lifted the broken wing and placed it on her lap slowly and carefully, she spread the thick paste on the edge of the wing when the entire side was coated, she stood and walked over to the statue reaching up, she reattached the wing to the body she stood still, her fingers turning white as she kept pressure between the two points on the bird, hoping to seal the bond when she was sure it had been long enough, she ever so slowly, finger by finger, took her hands away
mulan waited, watching to see if the wing would hold
hearing footsteps, mulan kept her eyes locked on the bird a moment later, she felt her father step beside her his eyes went to the bird, too the pair stood in silence, each lost in their own thoughts
“mulan,” zhou finally said his voice was hushed, but firm “what happened today, i never want to see happen again” he paused, turning so that he was looking at her when mulan didn’t meet his eyes, he reached out and put a finger underneath her chin to lift her head “do you understand” he asked
taking a deep breath, mulan nodded her father smiled but disappointment lingered in his eyes mulan hated to see that his eyes had ever only been filled with kindness and admiration when he looked down at her pulling her head free, unable to bear the look any longer, mulan turned her gaze back to the phoenix as she watched, the wing began to slide off
mulan’s eyes filled with tears as the permanence of what she had done hit her
not speaking, zhou reached up and, with some difficulty, pressed the wing back into place “do you know why the phoenix sits at the right hand of the emperor” he asked, not taking his eyes from the bird mulan shook her head “she is his guardian his protector”
“but i broke her,” mulan whispered
zhou nodded “ah, but did you know she is half male and half female she is both beautiful and strong” he stopped and once more looked into mulan’s eyes only now, the disappointment was gone “failure is not fatal, mulan this is the lesson of the phoenix what matters is that each day you rise up and continue the phoenix will watch over you that’s her job your job is to bring honor to your family do you think you can do that”
mulan looked at her father she had never heard the lesson of the phoenix said in such a way true, she had been taught that the phoenix protected the emperor but watch over her that was different if the mythical bird could offer protection, the least mulan could do was offer a sacrifice to her own family if that meant following her sister’s lead and being her mother’s shadow, she would do it if that meant leaving chickens to race away, she would leave them be she would do what her father asked of her she would make her family proud, and she would bring honor to them—no matter what kinds of sacrifices she had to make
reaching out, she took her father’s hand and they walked back to their home behind them, the phoenix’s wing once again slid off the bird’s stone body
